your ignorance gives me vertigo

it is dizzying,
your clueless guts
that is.

sometimes i wish everyone would just find a tumor
and grow up already.

my life lives outside the scope of imagination.
how could you understand?
try.
try your hardest.

i love you.

i stil smoke cigarettes

my scar is over a year old.
the best year of my life.

if i am staring off into space i am mostly praying.

a year to the hour after i was coming out of surgery
i was stopped by a funeral procession.
a long line of cars
not for me
still.

i coulda died but instead i didn't
you're still the best idea i ever had, Max

we all make the decisions we can't resist around here.
if you aren't home yet you are chicken

the FURY and the FURY or the Unbearable Hardness of Being

living in the moment and this one

really really really
really
sucks.


if i can't feel better i'd rather feel murderous. and i do.

party of one. nobody came because no one is invited.

come over and throw your firearms around me....

SAY WE CAN. SAY WE WILL.

i never worried about what could give me cancer.
i still don't.
you know what's cancerous?
me.
you know what's worse for you than smoking?
chemotherapy.
you know what's worse for you than chemotherapy?
worry.
my doctors are professionals.
but so am i.
i am a peerless hostess.
a considerate hedonist.
a great dancer.
Max's mom.
i fight like a brave, i never say die.
no doubt, not just another drop in the ocean.

EASY SKAN KING

slow food.

the Sucky Side of Life or Baby Teeth.

isolation is one of the chief complaints of new mothers. it's like growing into clipped wings. life is much bigger and much smaller when you are seeing it with a 15 pound brand new life-form struggling to speak with two new teeth in your arms. the spot between your shoulder blades develops a real deep ache.

i have a cavity. again. i really should have been denied teeth.

for almost a year now i have been a financial vacuum sucking thousands of dollars away from every single person i love. it's lucky i was raised to believe that money isn't that important if you have good relationships. and i am successful by me and my parents standards because i do have good relationships with almost everyone i've met.

because i am still too sick to work i have been trying to stay on top of housework and be as pleasant a roommate/sister/daughter/mother as i can. this is how i intend to earn my keep. i've always loved and nurtured my lazy streak and my love of a life of leisure because i have also maintained financial independence and what i thought was a solid work ethic. i'm sure i'm not the hardest worker but i am reliable and happy and usually funny too.

however...
housework is a full-time job if you look at it. there's no room for my life of leisure. because work doesn't stay at work if you've made home your work. and the isolation....

it's not that i'm lonely or bored. i'm great company and most of the time so is Max and we get lots of visitors. isolate means to set apart. i have felt set apart almost my whole life. i guess it is to be a theme.

i feel shitty whining when there's such a fierce storm outside. but my mom's garden is full of weeds and i know it's my fault.

happy xmas (war is over)

my last chemo was on august 26th.

i don't know the whole story. i don't even know half of it.

real real tired.

definitely an adult-sized dose.

Max has two teeth. i have too many no matter how many i pull out.

i know too much for polite conversation. i am too sick to be fine. too sad to be angry. too tough to die. too bored to cry.

i know enough to know this isn't over.