happy xmas (war is over)

my last chemo was on august 26th.

i don't know the whole story. i don't even know half of it.

real real tired.

definitely an adult-sized dose.

Max has two teeth. i have too many no matter how many i pull out.

i know too much for polite conversation. i am too sick to be fine. too sad to be angry. too tough to die. too bored to cry.

i know enough to know this isn't over.

THRIFTINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS

...is my new blog.
it is not about cancer.

iamawomannow.blogspot.com

can I Graduate?

i been trying to fashion some sort of handle on this situation. it's okay. i'm flexible. inhale exhale. let go let go let go. i'm still me. i'm probably more myself than i was before? ? when i was reduced to skin and bones and fetus and blind optimism i had no choice but to survive and bring Max in this world with every fiber of my being. to be honest... it was easy. because it was all i had to do.

remission? i wanna be in you.

I'm a Pepper

how in the world do you lose everything only to end up on top with every dream come true? how do you keep your cool in this situation? how do you not get cancer? tell me it involves Dr. Pepper.

how will i ever top this past year?

oh right. by getting everything back in it's right place. duh.

also who do i date now? ha.

cancer patience

when i leave this fortress of solitude is when i will know what i've learned. i'm afraid i know too much to ever be casual again. but i can't wait to get out there because i don't think anyone can hear me from here. nothing will be the same no matter where i go. i read somewhere that all cancer patients have post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

how many fresh fruit smoothies do i have to eat before i'm healthy again?!

uncool is the new cool

what kind of Belushi does this guy think he is anyway?

i love just two things- everyone and television

the thing about getting better is that now i have to start accounting for what i do and say and get out of bed because i'm not sick i'm just depressed.

i never felt like i fit until i started being everyone's best friend. i crash coursed myself into the center of things without ever actually feeling comfortable and accepted and exhaling. if i had sat still i would have noticed that i still didn't match anyone. and i probably never will.

especially now that i add all these hyphenates to myself. girl-waitress-DJ-writer-singer-...cancer survivor... mother. and not just any mother, Max's mother. so just when i was almost convinced i was like anyone, that my fur might fit in with a pack,

... i realize i am luminous. sticking out like a sore thumb again.